


dear seungcheol

by morow



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, New York, Unconditional Love, all they had to do was tell eachother, if only they weren't too scared, jeongcheol - Freeform, jeongcheol angst, non-au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-23
Updated: 2018-02-23
Packaged: 2019-03-23 01:29:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,601
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13776795
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/morow/pseuds/morow
Summary: dear seungcheol,in the end, it has to be you.((heavy angst))





	dear seungcheol

**Author's Note:**

> sorry, it's kind of long.

it was unfair how the sky looked beautiful today. 

does the sky show no mercy?

seungcheol almost laughed at himself.

_of course the sky doesn't feel sympathy. even though jeonghancould've been brighter than all the stars the sky could ever fit._

seungcheol sat on his bed with only a black button up shirt on, half way buttoned.

it would seem that he was distracted by something in the middle of dressing.

and he was.

it was the small calendar on the side of his bed, with today's date terribly scribbled with red pen -almost ripped out.

he took it and played with it in his hands as his hair drooped downwards and his eyes stared down at it with an empty gaze.

it was dead quiet, as none of the other members woke up yet. but seungcheol wanted to get  _there_  before everyone else.

seungcheol was NEVER a quiet person. he was the leader after all, and leaders always have to put the rest of the members at ease.

 

but today, he sat silent along with the silence, lost in thought as a purple and red hue slowly rose from the dark blue sky.

the light pierced through seungcheol's window and onto the calendar, snapping him out of his daze.

he quickly put his calendar aside as he buttoned the other half of his shirt and reached for a pair of black dress pants, lying neatly on the other side of his bed.

as he put them on, he couldn't help but notice the brown wooden box he put next to his digital clock that read "4:02AM".

he hesitated before reaching for it.

when he did, he opened it and took out a bunch of letters and postcards, neatly stacked and ordered.

letters that he knew all too well.

he took one out and put the rest in his pocket. then sighed as he prepared himself to read it, yet again.

 

>  
> 
> _dear seungcheol,_  
>  _yo coups it's been a while hasn't it? i can't believe it's been three years since i moved to new york. i miss you and the other members so much. i saw a postcard of the statue of liberty, it's the one you're reading now. well, since i'm running out of space, i just want to tell you that i am so happy for you guys for doing so well now that i'm gone. wow, #1 on the charts worldwide ! it makes me feel proud that i used to be part of the same group._
> 
> _love,  yoon jeonghan_
> 
>  

seungcheol sipped on his black suit jacket and tightened his black tie as he quietly walked down the stairs, careful not to wake the others.

as he slipped on a pair of black leather shoes, he took out another letter.

 

> _dear cheol,_  
>  _haha one of our old songs came on the radio today. of course i sang along... i miss it so much. but the new songs you all have been producing are great too !! vocal team is still the best unit haha ;) missing you all._
> 
> _best regards, han_

 

seungcheol walked out the door, careful not to let it slam.

the wind blew against him as he called up a car service company asking for a ride.

while waiting, he takes out another letter as it rustled with the wind blowing against it.

seungcheol brushed his hair behind his ear as he took a deep breath, underestimating how cold it was.

he forgot that no matter how bright the sky was, 4 a.m was still 4 a.m and was as cold as ever. especially in new york.

 

> _dear seungcheol,_  
>  _i have some new_ _s_ _that may or may not make you happy. i think i'm going to visit you guys next week !!_  
>  _xoxo, jeonghan_

seungcheol looks up as he sees a car pull by next to him. he nods to the driver who rolled his window down.

after he got in, he told the driver the address to his destination.

the black leather seats were cold against his legs and the car reeked of cigarettes.

seungcheol didn't mind though. he pulled out another letter.

 

> _dear seungcheol,_  
>  _i had so much fun !! i understand you might be mad at me for my choice but please write back...._
> 
> _i can't believe how different the atmosphere is... it's only been two years !! wow i didn't know i would miss you all so much.... im truly happy for you even though i'm a little jealous lol. jesus christ why is mingyu still growing ?? and seungcheol, it's been a while since i last saw you face to face. i've seen you on tv the past two years but wow, you've really grown... so much more charming._
> 
> _don't tell the other members but i had fun with all of you, but when i was alone with you, i think i enjoyed myself the most. that cafe we went to alone together... i never had any better cheesecake, even though there are so many great, professional and famous cheesecake factories here ! maybe it was because you were there with me to enjoy it. haha but on the otherhand, the coffee you made for me was terrible !! geez next time we meet, i'll show you how coffee should be made correctly. your laugh is still the same though... i could recognize that those deep chukles and eye smiles from anywhere. i remember hearing it so much and it seemed so natural in the schedule my life.... but after i moved, the absence of it was so noticeable. thank you for letting me hear it again._
> 
> _and i miss you. everything about you. AND THE OTHERS OF COURSE !! when will i see you (guys) again, when will i touch you (guys) again? i wish we had more time. the view on the top of the ferris wheel was beautiful, wasn't it? it was even more thrilling with the wind blowing... it was so high up !! you almost pissed yourself i still laugh when i think about it. well i think i wrote too much, until next time._
> 
> _love, jeonghan_
> 
> _\--_
> 
> _to seungcheol,_  
>  _i got your letter ! i"m so glad you are finally writing back to me in DETAIL! your drawings of seventeen and angels are still as terrible as ever i see..._  
>  _i have it hung on my wall. i find myself a bit lonely after that week, but when you all finally got skype, i felt better !! ahaha you guys are so loud.. i hope you skype me alone sometime. i'm so jealous !! i want to be in korea with all of you too._
> 
> _from, jeonghan_
> 
>  

_"_ we'll be there in ten minutes!" the driver said to seungcheol as he nodded.

seungcheol skipped a few letters forward as he came to more recent letters.

 

> _dear seungcheol,_  
>  YO CHEOL SEVENTEEN IS COMING OVER TO NEW YORK ?? TO VISIT ME ? HYPE
> 
> _-jeonghan_
> 
> _\--_
> 
> _dear seungcheol,_  
>  _you (guys) left too quick... we really spend too little time together. dont forget to skype mee. i cant always be left feeling like this when you leave. you know seungcheol, i really have lots and lots of fun with you. i've always had.._
> 
> _-jeonghan_
> 
> _ps- sorry for always changing the topic whenever you questioned my decision to leave... i'm sure you noticed. i don't want to tell you yet, please don't be mad._

within each letter. seungcheol's urge to hold back tears grew, in both difficulty and need.

that was a stupid question. how could seungcheol  _ever_ be mad at jeonghan? his jeonghan.

 

he skipped a few more postcards. he's read them enough to memorize them.

 

 

"we're here!" the driver said as jeonghan paid him.

he stepped out as he cringed a little at the breeze that he had briefly forgotten due to his car ride.

he looked at his watch

 

> _dear seungcheol,_  
>  _were you surprised when i was waiting for you backstage after your concert ?? IT WAS GREAT MY BOYS ARE GROWING SO MUCH !! haha your facial expression!! afterwards we ditched everyone (apologize for me lol) and hung out and i didn't get to tell you but, i like guys._
> 
> _LOVE,  jeonghan_
> 
> _\--_
> 
> _dear seungcheol,_  
>  _this is a post card of mt rushmore. i included a picture of me because it was pretty cute since im so wicked handsome. sorry i wasn't so clear last time_ __ _i know i what i said last time was random, but what i meant was, i'm gay. happy birthday_
> 
> _from, jeonghan_
> 
> _\--_
> 
> _dear seungcheol,_  
>  _it's thanksgiving and you still haven't wrote back.. i'm sorry if it makes you feel that uncomfortable, you can forget what i said..._
> 
> _from, jeonghan_
> 
> _\--_

circular parts of the letter were wrinkled as if water got on it and dried... tears, maybe ?

 

> _dear seungcheol,_  
>  _WHAT THE HELL?? DONT JUST SUDDENLY SEND ME A LONG ASS LETTER APOLOGIZING ABOUT HOW BUSY YOU WERE AFTER I CAME OUT!! I THOUGHT YOU HATED ME OR SOMETHING ugh but still, i'm so happy that you don't hate me. i miss you too. haha._ a̶l̶t̶h̶o̶u̶g̶h̶ ̶i̶ ̶w̶i̶s̶h̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶ ̶l̶o̶v̶e̶d̶ ̶m̶e̶
> 
> _-_ _jeonghan_
> 
> _\--_
> 
> _dearest cheol,_  
>  _surprised to see me in front of yr house on new years day? haha im glad i spent this new year with seventeen... sorry i kissed you. haha dont take it too seriously, it was just a joke. your lips were really salty :P_
> 
> _hannie_

seungcheol still remembered that day. he could never forget. he remembered the sudden impulsive kiss out of nowhere, and heck he was so fucking confused, thrown off-guard, and happy.

it broke him a little -alot, when jeonghan told him it was just a joke.

they both knew it wasn't.

 

> .

"4:39A.M".

seungcheol ran florist and paid for the pre-ordered bouquet of arranged roses, baby's breath, and other flowers.

even now, seungcheol treasured jeonghan. he always would. he would still do anything for him. even if he can't do much anymore.

as he walked to his destination, he pulled out the other letters, skipping some more.

 

> d _ear seungcheol,_  
>  _sorry... i dont know why you're mad over a kiss... i told you already that it was a joke._  
>  _jeonghan._
> 
> _\--_
> 
> _dear seungcheol,_  
>  _actually, there is something i need to tell you._
> 
> _jeonhan_

seungcheol arrives at jeonghan's new home. the view of it haunted him. it was a constant reminder.

it was far too painful. wished was an understatement for how much seungcheol wished it never happened.

the keeper lets him in, wondering what a guy is doing alone at this kind of place at 5AM.

usually, people come visit as a group.

seungcheol saw the keeper's confusion and his expression softened into a soft smile.

"the others are coming later. i just wanted to have so time alone with him."

the keeper nodded as he gave seungcheol a sympathetic look in which seungcheol replied with a sad smile and gave a little nod before entering.

 

> _\--_
> 
> _to seungcheol,_  
>  _i love you. sorry._
> 
> _\--_
> 
> _dear seungcheol,_  
>  _sorry for surprising you. sorry for not writing to you in so long... i wasnt expecting myself to collapse and be rushed to the emergency room... looks like i have cancer. BUT DONT WORRY, THEY SAID THAT IT COULD BE TREATED. THERES NO WAY I COULD LET SOMETHING LIKE THIS KILL ME._  
>  _sorry but im feeling really tired from writing this so i'm stopping. i wasnt lying when i said i loved you so i wish you'd write back... it hurts_
> 
> _-jeonghan_
> 
> _\--_
> 
> _dear seungcheol,_  
>  _im sorry its been 3 weeks since i last wrote. they were busy treating me. fuck im sorry. i dont have much time. 1 month they said. one fucking month. im so scared, is there really no way to treat this?_
> 
> _\--_

seungcheols walked down the aisle until he finally found him.

the flowers trembled in his hand. 

 

> _dear seungcheol,_   
>  _my nurse is writing this for me, i have grown weak. i have one week left. dont feel too guilty for not being able to visit me. you have thousands of fans waiting for you to perform. i really did want to spend a life time with you. im so sorry._
> 
> _love,  jeonghan_
> 
> _((ps- this is the nurse and mr yoon doesnt know i wrote this. i know you are a idol but guESS WHAT.  i dont know the relationship between you two, but jeonghan was crying. really bad. he kept insisting he was okay. sorry for barging into your business but he has seven days left and i doN't understand at all, why you would not visit him one last time. it breaks my heart, truly.. i apologize))_
> 
>  

seungcheol drops his flowers to the ground, as his knees soon follow.

a tear rolls down his cheek before more start flooding his eyes.

"h-hey hannie... im finally here to visit."

silence.

"everyone misses you. i miss you. we're all so sad without you."

seungcheol started sobbing. though 22, there's only so much he can keep in.

the man has never broke down to the extent where it felt like every part of his body couldn't function.

until now.

seungcheol fell down to his knees.

"this is so unfair. why'd you leave. all of the world.... and they took away you."

it  _wasn't_  fair.

the branches of the trees started flailing in the air.

"it sure is cold in new york..."

seungcheol starts sobbing even harder.

"i never got to tell you. but i want you by my side. forever and always. i wanted to spend my time with you. nothing was ever enough. im sorry for not replying i was such an asshole but i seriously...." seungcheol screamed to no one.

"everyday, i'm proud of seventeen and out accomplishments. but it's so different without you, it really is. when it was the thirteen of us, i adored all 12 of you members. you especially. you knew that. i tried to keep my boundaries, so bad. i couldn't. out of impulse, naturally i would hug you whenever, smell you, bite you, and our fans, they all had it on camera. they already suspected something between us and, i really treasure you so much. i'm so sorry. trying to play it off as if there was nothing between us, trying to pretend that i didn't feel anything for you, and not responding to you probably, those were the biggest mistakes of my life."

he buries his wet face in his hands.

"please.. just come back." he sobbed in an almost whisper..

"please. i want to tell you something and i'm so sorry." seungcheol sobbed.

"everyday, when you weren't here with seventeen, i would always think of you. terrible, i know. to be the leader and blessed with so many amazing members, you were the only person on my mind. even though you left us. i never stopped. none of us could ever hate you, we all loved you, i-. i have so many things to say to you. i never should've held back."

seungcheol couldn't stop crying.

"the fans saw through us, everyone saw that i didn't look at anyone else the way i look at you. i don't laugh and smile like i do when i'm with you. for fucks sake i do everything you tell me to! jeonghan.... jeonghan please..."

with every last ounce of will he had, he reaches into his jacket.

from his pocket, he took out the last letter.

 

> _dear seeungcheol,_  
>  _it feels weird writing a letter to someone who i just saw. today is my last day. i'm sorry that the nurses had to kick you out. i'm sorry you guys had to cancel and reschedule your performance to come a visit me, all the way in new york._
> 
> _the first time we met at pledis. we hung out everyday and we became so close through practice and things we did together as seventeen. at first i had no one to talk to besides joshua._
> 
> _but then i met you. and we talked. and i loved you._
> 
> _the reason why i left was because i loved you._
> 
> _this whole time, i have ALWAYS been loving you._
> 
> _when our eyes met on stage, i wished those seconds lasted maybe just five times longer. i loved it when you looked at me. i loved looking at you._
> 
> _i loved being with you, i loved performing with you, living with you, being in the same group as you._
> 
> _i loved when you called me "jeonghannie" on stage and jeonghan at home. i love your laugh and i love how you make me laugh._
> 
> _this feeling of me loving you grew so much, i wouldn't be able to contain it. if i didn't control it, i could've ruined the whole career of seventeed._
> 
> _you know i couldn't do that, to the boys who i care so much for._
> 
> _and i already knew you didn't feel that away about me._
> 
> _you were just so touchy with everyone, but i always thought our moments were special._
> 
>  
> 
> _so i left the group. before the feeling got any worse._
> 
> _before i start falling for you more.._
> 
>  
> 
> _l_ _eaving you was a mistake. who would have known it would all end like this..._
> 
> _a year later, seventeen was the only thing that everyone talked about. i was overjoyed for your music career and extremely envious that everyone was together without me, even though i was the one that decided to leave._
> 
> _i could list a bunch of your weaknesses. for starters, you're bad at making coffee, have huge hands, and loud._
> 
> _but these things make me love you more. i love your laughter when i joke about your coffee. i love that i could reach out to those hands and feel safe... i love being able to hear your voice from anywhere._
> 
> _seungcheol, i probably never say this because i'm scared. so i'm going to tell you this before my time is over._
> 
> _you are beautiful. everything about you._
> 
> _you are extremely gorgeous, your voice is beautiful, i love hearing you sing and rap and watching you dance. i love hearing you talk. your hair is beautiful. your arms, legs, body... they are all so beautiful._
> 
> _a simple gaze from you made every part of the insides of my body flip._
> 
> _cheesy right? but that's truly how you made me feel._
> 
> _when i told you i was gay, i was terrified. 'what would seungcheol think of me?' was the only think on my mind._
> 
> _all our interactions, i never thought i had a chance._
> 
> _in your eyes, i was probably nothing more than just your best friend right?_
> 
> _but a big part of me always had that small small hope. the hope that maybe, just maybe i had a chance._
> 
> _i was so scared when i confessed to you. i kept thinking, 'would i lose my best friend?' i knew i couldn't afford that. but my crush for you grew inside of me. it was so hungry and thirsty, it felt like it was eating my insides. i just had to tell you._
> 
> _and then you never wrote back. i cried almost everyday in fear you would hate me. you have no idea how much it hurt when you wrote back, avoiding that subject... why ?_
> 
> _that kiss i told you not to worry about because it was a 'joke'?_
> 
> _it wasn't a joke. i just wanted to kiss you._
> 
> _you and nobody else. i didn't even think. i saw you and i couldn't contain myself any longer._
> 
> _i wanted to eat your lips but i knew that the kiss itself was already insane enough._
> 
> _i loved the feeling. kissing you was such a blessing._
> 
> _i wanted it to last longer._
> 
> _until i realized what i did to you. i was so scared and ran away and cried._
> 
> _and you didn't write back and i wanted to die._
> 
> _i was extremely happy. whenever you guys visited me in new york. within two years, you've changed and your visits allowed me to discover sides of you i never knew existed._
> 
> _who would've known you had such a dark view on life. you never looked the person. you were far more masculine that i thought. far more denser than i thought. far more stupidly awkward than i thought..._
> 
> _but you were just as gentle as i thought. you were just as loving, just as caring, just as sweet, just as cool, just as beautiful...._
> 
> _and just as i thought... i have the best times in life with you._
> 
> _i started thinking that i just love hanging out with you all the time._
> 
> _and then i started thinking that i would love to hang out with you, my whole life._
> 
> _if only i could..._
> 
> _these nights, just falling asleep scared the shit out of me. 'would i be alive tommorow?' i wondered._
> 
> _remember the view from the ferris wheel? it was beautiful wasn't it? looking down at a city of lights from that high above. together with you._
> 
> _remember when we raced each other to the airport when you had to go back? i was so confident in my running i thought i was going to win. but you did. i instantly regret racing because the last thing i wanted was for you to leave sooner._
> 
> _remember when i got drunk and started singing 'fronting' and you just sang along with me? yeah i was such a mess. well that was embarrassing...._
> 
> _your pretty voice lulled me to sleep. i wish i could have your voice lull me to sleep now._
> 
> _but instead, the heart rate machine thing's beeping is the only thing lulling me to my forever sleep._
> 
> _remember when i was still a member of seventeen and the two of us became a "ship" for the fans ?? jeongcheol or whatever they called it. i loved it._
> 
> _of course i was hurt when you just laughed it off and eventually i did the same._
> 
> _and from that moment on, i knew that we could never be a thing._
> 
> _but i truly loved it. i loved you. i love you._
> 
> _seungcheol... i am the happiest with you._
> 
> _each time we meet, i just fall in love with you more and more. im still so crazily in love with you that it hurts._
> 
> _im in so much pain right now from my cancer. but at the same time, i'm hurting so much more right now from one sidedly loving you._
> 
> _no one told me that loving you would be painful._
> 
> _but it hurts me even more to know that anytime now, all this pain will stop forever._
> 
> _i didn't write this to make you feel guilty, bad, or whatever. it's ok, i already know that you could never love me like that. i'm writing this to tell you how much of an existence you have always meant to me. to tell you everything i was too much of a coward to tell you in real life._
> 
> _all the things i wish i could tell you._
> 
> _seungcheol, it's like you dominated my heart. every centimeter, your name is engraved._
> 
> _i wonder if i made it into your heart like that too?_
> 
> _i wonder if you'll still remember me._  
>  _i wonder if you'll forget me._
> 
> _please dont forget me. i know its selfish of me because you'll probably just become more hurt... but please don't forget me. i want to exist in you._
> 
> _promise me you won't forget me... please._
> 
> _i wonder if you'll miss me... even just a little?_
> 
> _i wonder if i existed in your heart._
> 
> _i'm getting sleepy and i know that it's not the regular kind of sleepy we all get every night._
> 
> _so let me just say one last thing:_
> 
> _i'm sorry for always hitting you_  
>  _i'm sorry for always yelling at you_  
>  _i'm sorry for always teasing you_  
>  _i'm sorry for always annoying you_  
>  _i'm sorry for always trying to touch your cheeks, play with your hair, kiss your lips._
> 
> _but thank you for letting me._  
>  _thank you for laughing with me_  
>  _thank you for staying by my side_  
>  _thank you for always keeping me warm_  
>  _thank you for all the fun times we had together_  
>  _thank you for giving me the thrill of falling in love with you._
> 
> _and most of all, thank you for being the person i fell in love with._
> 
> **_i'm glad it was you._ **
> 
> _i don't regret a single thing._
> 
> _i'm so sorry for everything._  
>  _thank you for everything._
> 
> _my time is running out. anytime now.. it's quite soon. my hand is growing so tired._
> 
> _i'm not dead. as long as i still exist in your heart._
> 
> _choi seungcheol, its truly been an honor._
> 
> _i love you._
> 
> _i love you so much. i love you the most. and i will keep loving you up to my last second._
> 
> _you know, my friends in new york call me a fool... to be so in love with some that would never love me back._
> 
> _erase my feelings ? i've tried. but i think i've learned that loving you is the greatest feeling in the world._
> 
> **_in the end, it can't be anyone else._ **
> 
> **_it just has to be you._ **
> 
> _goodbye._
> 
>  
> 
> _your angel, yoon jeonghan._
> 
>  

seungcheol didn't care that his pants were dusted with the dirt on the ground.

heck he didn't even care he was an idol, he just sat there with the ugliest face in the world. sobbing, snot everywhere.

it was so loud and though he was always a respectful man, he couldn't care less whether or not his screams and sobs were distrubing anyone else's peace.

he just sat there talking to no one and crying until the others came.

it was rare to see such a happy person break down.

he hated himself.

he too, always... always wanted one thing.

more time with jeonghan.

how would he express it ? how would he be able to love jeonghan more than jeonghan loved him ? how would he make jeonghan happy ?

because jeonghan deserved all the happiness that could ever exist and seungcheol wasn't sure he'd be able to offer him that.

he was so caught up in these thoughts... it took too much time.

before he knew it, the man seungcheol wanted to treasure was gone.

before he knew it, he never had the chance to tell jeonghan what he truly wated.

seungcheol looked inside the envelope and all at once, his already broken insides tore more.

inside, a polaroid of the two when seventeen had 13 members. written on the back, " _i didnt take anything with me when i came to new york... but this was in my luggage and i've treasured it since._ "

seungcheol cried and cried.

the truth was, he was most shaken by jeonghan's decision to leave.

he always felt a craving for jeonghan to be by his side.

but seungcheol was jeonghan's best friend, the best friend that never thought of jeonghan as a mere 'best friend', the best friend that wanted the two of them to be something more, and all he could do was pat jeonghan on the back and smile and say "hope your happy hannie, i support your decision." not knowing how much that broke hannie. not knowing that all jeonghan wanted was for seungcheol to say "no, don't leave." which was what seungcheol had wanted to say.

stupid boy, if only he told him. both of them had what eachother wanted. both of them were too scared.

the roses on the tombstone witnessed the last words from seungcheol on that day ;

"sorry for never telling you, my hannie..."

seungcheol wiped his tears in vain, and trying to contain his voice, fingernails digging into his palms to trying not to shake.

"yoon jeonghan.... i have always, always loved you."

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading!! i'd love to know what you think so maybe leave kudos and comments? thank you so much!


End file.
